I miss you....

I will admit that YES, I do miss you. Some days more than others, and yes sometimes I wish I could just be with you, just chill out like we used to, talk and complain about our days. I miss the fact that you knew me so well and that you knew how to make me smile, no matter what mood I was in. I miss the cute voice you'd put on, or the stupid looks you would give me. Especially when you attempted to raise you eyebrow but never fully got there. I miss US, the way we would bounce off each others stupid yet funny remarks. I miss the way you hug me, and made me feel like everything was going to be alright. Its pretty simple. I just miss you.

BUT it'll never be enough at least I hope it wont....

One life, one opportunity

If I have learnt anything over the past six months it is to trust your instincts, be true to yourself and more importantly be happy. At the end of the day, you can't go through life worry about other peoples feelings, or the consequences you may face if you do something that is out of character for you. Life is an experience, a journey, and your life is what YOU make it. So live it, do whatever you want, who cares what people think, its a learning experience. If you sat around wondering forever then you wouldn't experience life and it would just pass you by so quickly. Time waits for no one, make the most of now. Don't wait for tomorrow.

I honestly think this is the single most valuable lesson you will learn it your life, I am just lucky I learnt it early on.

Confession.

I think I may be, possibly falling for you. And it scares the absolute shit out of me. I question myself, my own feelings because how can I trust them, after everything that happened. What happens if I actually do fall crazy in love with you. What happens if you fall head over heals for me..? will this actually work? too many thoughts, too many questions. Maybe I need to just let it all play out.

and what if....

I may be a little insecure and get jealous at times, I may worry about being showing you who I really am in case you don't like me, but it will never stop me from showing you who I am. I often wonder what you think of me when I speak before I think or when I manage to injure myself by simply standing still. I worry you might think I'm too stubborn, or too much of a thinker. I question myself if I'm asking you too many questions, because I don't want to scare you away but I just like to really know the answer, I like to have a full understanding of the situation. It scares me a little bit or maybe a lot that I can be so open and honest with you. It absolutely terrifies me that I am letting my walls down around you. And I find myself asking, what if I fall for you...?

hmmm

I just don't think I will ever be able to understand the opposite sex, you continue to confuse me!

life.

Life.

It is so unpredictable, you never know when things could take a turn for the better or worse. If you sit around waiting, you will never experience it but you go at it to extremely, you may crash and burn. Life is something to be enjoyed, you know the saying, stop and smell the roses, well we should. Enjoy and embrace each moment that life gives us.

It will never be easy and there will always be heartache and pain, but would life really be worth living if it were perfect. As much as we all work so hard to gain the 'perfect' life, we will never find it. Someone else will always have something more. But maybe we need to be grateful for what we do have and appreciate the smaller things. Some of us aren't lucky enough to live a full,enriched life and some of us lose out way too early.

But things happen for a reason, whatever it may be...

you fool!

You are the pathetic, useless, heartless whatever else you called me. I did nothing except move on with my life, like you wanted. You broke up with me but now that I have moved on and gotten on with life, you think you have the right to send me nasty messages, well if it helps you sleep at night, telling me how much I don't mean to you anymore and how good life is without me. But guess what mate, it honestly can't be that good when you still have to message me to tell me!!

Notice how I never reply, because I just don't fucking care anymore!

life.

Life.

Its funny how things change, for the better or worse. None of it makes sense. But its turning out to be such an amazing ride. As much as I never thought I would say it, life is actually good. I have good friends, amazing family and I am free from all the bullshit!

I love being whoever I want to be and not having to answer to you anymore.

When things seem like you've hit rock bottom, always look up, because things do change!

accepting life.

I still think about you and it drives me crazy but it is completely normal I know. I want to know if you are okay, because last I heard you weren't but then in some ways you deserve to feel the way you are, you have brought it all upon yourself. I am still looking out for you, its ridiculous, I know but I can't help it, when your with someone for such a long time they become the centre of your world. It is hard making myself the centre of mine again. But I am getting there and I am loving every minute. When life throws something at you, you need to grab it with both hands and embrace it, the situation, the experience. You only live once, so whether it be a good or bad time, it will make you stronger in one way or another. If there is anything I have learnt from this whole crazy experience is to live the life you want to live, because you only have one.

walking away

You can blame me, you can tell me that its my fault, that things never worked, that you wish it never happened and you can say you were never happy but it takes two. You were just as much apart of this relationship as I was, and although things never have and never will work it gives you no right to speak to me the way you did.

Take some responsibility for once in your life, just once. Things are the way they are because of the choices you made, so while you sit and feel sorry for yourself you can also watch me as I walk away...

You made your bed, now lay in it.

nothing to you

I don't understand any of this anymore. You make me so angry, you make me so sad, yet you make me feel love in a way that I never thought I could feel. Why do you do the things you do? Why do you push pain upon me? Why do you get everything you want? Your cake and you get to eat it too. I am so sick of being empty and lonely. I am so tired of having to put on brave face. If this was anyone else, I would simply walk away but you are the exception. You are everything but it all means nothing. All my love and pain towards you, means absolutely nothing. Nothing to you.

over it

I am honestly starting to get over the bullshit. I am sick of being on call when you want me and expected to be there and the thing is, I have such a hard time saying no to you. It just seems easier to let you walk all over me, keep the peace between us. But really, whats the point? You have somebody else and there has been several prime opportunities to get rid of her, there has been several times where you could of told me, you wanted me or whatever and yet you haven't! Obviously you like having her around otherwise she simply wouldn't be. But why do you keep me around? Because you like knowing your wanted by more than one person, because me wanting you is so abnormal.. we were together for six fucking years!!!! Of coarse I still love you and want to be with you, but I am really getting over being the 'other girl' in your life. Its either me and only me, or I'm gone. I just don't think I can do this anymore!

fight for me.

Why isn't he fighting for me?

They say if you love something, you fight for it, you fight until you can no longer, thats what I'm doing.. I'm fighting for you, but why aren't you fighting for me?
You tell me you love me, you act like you care but how much do you really? If you loved me, if you wanted me, you would fight for it... you would try show me in anyway possible. Maybe deep down you do love me but your not showing it... I can only fight for you for so long until I run out of steam...

love

LOVE... I hate you! All you do is cause me pain and its not fair, I never did anything except love the guy and for some stupid and twisted reason, its been thrown back in my face..

I don't understand anything I'm feeling or saying or doing right now... I friggin' love you but its never good enough...

I hate you love!!! I HATE YOU

struggling.

Just rip my heart out and stab it as many times as you can and still wouldn't be the same amount of heart ache I am feeling because of you..

You just don't get it, I am so caught up with the thought of you, the feelings of love and neglect.. Its okay for you, you can pull me in whenever you want and know I'll be there but then you push me away when you don't want me.. I'm nothing to you anymore..

I am a mess, I am emotional, I am becoming this person I never ever wanted to be... but the things we do for love are so ridiculous, but am I doing it for love, because its clear as hell that you don't love me...

As the tears roll down my face, I hope and pray that you will come back to me....

kidding myself.

All I'm doing is kidding myself, trying to convince myself by doing what I'm doing is going to changes things. Reality is, it won't, he will keep living this way until he either 1) gets caught out by his new girlfriend or 2) he is made to make a decision. If its the latter, he will more than likely make a decision he lives to regret because, the only way he'd be put in that position was if I did it and I'm almost 100% sure if I did put that upon him, he would get mad and choose her without a thought, he would tell me to "f*ck off". However if his new girlfriend finds out and leaves his sorry ass then he really isn't choosing is he? He is just accepting it for what it is.

But I don't friggin' understand, he either gives her a key or leaves her a spare quiet happily, he's known her all of a month, a bit trusting if you ask me!!!! But then when he is with me and she messages or calls, he ignores it and says shit like 'i don't care if i break her heart' wtf!!! please tell me she hasn't already dropped the three words that he still, yes thats right still tells me!! The whole situation is frankly f*cked!!!! Why I'm doing it to myself, I don't know... you tell me!?

life

I guess I have to learn to live with the way things are, whether they make me happy or not, I can't change what others want even if it isn't me. I can try to follow my heart and make things better but what for, when by now he has had plenty of time to come back to me. He is just playing games now, he is just seeing how far he can push me and for how long.

Time to let it be, take each day as if comes and relax. Enjoy life for what it is and not what it isn't or what it could of been.

Life is what you make it, its time I made mine a happier place to live...

giggled to myself..

I think that the way life goes it rather funny. You can either sit back and analyse things, like I usually do but for some reason today I decided to sit back, look at the bigger picture and have a quiet giggle to myself. I have a rather good life and yes there are things I could do to make it better but that would mean going through some pain first (meaning ditch my ex for good instead of letting him use me as a security blanket) but I like having him around, he isn't just my ex boyfriend, he was also my best friend for the past six years, so why should I let that go just because we aren't together anymore..? I mean this thing him and I have going at the moment, it won't last but shouldn't I just enjoy it while I can?

I think its time to let loose a little bit, try and I mean TRY not to over analyse situations. If he wants to see me or talk to me, let it be.. don't read into it because all it does is mess with my head, not his, mine!!!

Anyway my point is, life is fairly good, I have a pretty supportive family and although they may disagree with a lot of my choices they are still there. I have a few good friends and although I don't have many, the ones I do have, I know they are there for me if I need them. I have a pretty good job, I am furthering my education. Things could be worse..

I laughed today because I saw a picture of my ex's new girlfriend and yes I had seen a picture before but I was angry then, now I'm not (sure deep down I am but not on the surface) I laughed because I know I'm nothing special but my god did my ex lower his standards with this one. For someone who can be very vein he isn't with his new girlfriend. At least it all sort of makes sense now when he sees me he can't keep his hands off me.

Just makes you feel a little bit better... you know to laugh at someone else's mistakes for a change!?

confusion..

How does any of this make sense?
You have a new girlfriend and yeah it hurts me like crazy to know that you are with someone else. That you were so easily capable of throwing away six years together within a matter of weeks. I know she is just a rebound and I know she doesn't mean much to you, because if she did.. you wouldn't be contacting me almost daily, just to chat about whatever. You wouldn't see me behind her back. I know that I know you better than anyone else, I understand you in a way that no one else does and maybe no one else ever could. Is that why you keep me around, for your own benefit? Because you know that I'll be there for you, anytime of the day?

I really don't understand... we were in love and you threw it all away. But why are you keeping me around?
I guess maybe if there wasn't someone else I wouldn't be so confused but there is.. so what's the point of all this?

some insight to me...

Why does life seem to always throw things at me at the worst possible times?
It happened all at once, first my best friend, then the love of my life and then my job, it was literally like watching dominoes fall...

I had a big fight with my best friend and I then realised she wasn't who I thought she was, I mean I always knew she was selfish but that was her, I dealt with it but after this fight, after trying to hard to stay in contact after she moved away, it all blew up in my face and now I am a better person without the constant worry of her.


My boyfriend of six years, we lived together and everything, tells me he doesn't know what he wants anymore, so I live the next few weeks of my life feeling like I am walking on egg shells and then things start to finally come good.. then slap across the face he breaks up with me and tells me to leave..


Then there's my job, yeah I still have it but I was coping all kinds of crap because I was down and out. I tried to take time off work yet they said they needed me and I explained that I wasn't in a good state of mind but I will try and get through each day..


I am just sick of people expecting the world from me, I am one person and I am not perfect but I try so hard to be for everyone in my life.. So why is it so god damn hard? WHY?