life.

Life.

Its funny how things change, for the better or worse. None of it makes sense. But its turning out to be such an amazing ride. As much as I never thought I would say it, life is actually good. I have good friends, amazing family and I am free from all the bullshit!

I love being whoever I want to be and not having to answer to you anymore.

When things seem like you've hit rock bottom, always look up, because things do change!

accepting life.

I still think about you and it drives me crazy but it is completely normal I know. I want to know if you are okay, because last I heard you weren't but then in some ways you deserve to feel the way you are, you have brought it all upon yourself. I am still looking out for you, its ridiculous, I know but I can't help it, when your with someone for such a long time they become the centre of your world. It is hard making myself the centre of mine again. But I am getting there and I am loving every minute. When life throws something at you, you need to grab it with both hands and embrace it, the situation, the experience. You only live once, so whether it be a good or bad time, it will make you stronger in one way or another. If there is anything I have learnt from this whole crazy experience is to live the life you want to live, because you only have one.

walking away

You can blame me, you can tell me that its my fault, that things never worked, that you wish it never happened and you can say you were never happy but it takes two. You were just as much apart of this relationship as I was, and although things never have and never will work it gives you no right to speak to me the way you did.

Take some responsibility for once in your life, just once. Things are the way they are because of the choices you made, so while you sit and feel sorry for yourself you can also watch me as I walk away...

You made your bed, now lay in it.

nothing to you

I don't understand any of this anymore. You make me so angry, you make me so sad, yet you make me feel love in a way that I never thought I could feel. Why do you do the things you do? Why do you push pain upon me? Why do you get everything you want? Your cake and you get to eat it too. I am so sick of being empty and lonely. I am so tired of having to put on brave face. If this was anyone else, I would simply walk away but you are the exception. You are everything but it all means nothing. All my love and pain towards you, means absolutely nothing. Nothing to you.

over it

I am honestly starting to get over the bullshit. I am sick of being on call when you want me and expected to be there and the thing is, I have such a hard time saying no to you. It just seems easier to let you walk all over me, keep the peace between us. But really, whats the point? You have somebody else and there has been several prime opportunities to get rid of her, there has been several times where you could of told me, you wanted me or whatever and yet you haven't! Obviously you like having her around otherwise she simply wouldn't be. But why do you keep me around? Because you like knowing your wanted by more than one person, because me wanting you is so abnormal.. we were together for six fucking years!!!! Of coarse I still love you and want to be with you, but I am really getting over being the 'other girl' in your life. Its either me and only me, or I'm gone. I just don't think I can do this anymore!

fight for me.

Why isn't he fighting for me?

They say if you love something, you fight for it, you fight until you can no longer, thats what I'm doing.. I'm fighting for you, but why aren't you fighting for me?
You tell me you love me, you act like you care but how much do you really? If you loved me, if you wanted me, you would fight for it... you would try show me in anyway possible. Maybe deep down you do love me but your not showing it... I can only fight for you for so long until I run out of steam...

love

LOVE... I hate you! All you do is cause me pain and its not fair, I never did anything except love the guy and for some stupid and twisted reason, its been thrown back in my face..

I don't understand anything I'm feeling or saying or doing right now... I friggin' love you but its never good enough...

I hate you love!!! I HATE YOU

struggling.

Just rip my heart out and stab it as many times as you can and still wouldn't be the same amount of heart ache I am feeling because of you..

You just don't get it, I am so caught up with the thought of you, the feelings of love and neglect.. Its okay for you, you can pull me in whenever you want and know I'll be there but then you push me away when you don't want me.. I'm nothing to you anymore..

I am a mess, I am emotional, I am becoming this person I never ever wanted to be... but the things we do for love are so ridiculous, but am I doing it for love, because its clear as hell that you don't love me...

As the tears roll down my face, I hope and pray that you will come back to me....

kidding myself.

All I'm doing is kidding myself, trying to convince myself by doing what I'm doing is going to changes things. Reality is, it won't, he will keep living this way until he either 1) gets caught out by his new girlfriend or 2) he is made to make a decision. If its the latter, he will more than likely make a decision he lives to regret because, the only way he'd be put in that position was if I did it and I'm almost 100% sure if I did put that upon him, he would get mad and choose her without a thought, he would tell me to "f*ck off". However if his new girlfriend finds out and leaves his sorry ass then he really isn't choosing is he? He is just accepting it for what it is.

But I don't friggin' understand, he either gives her a key or leaves her a spare quiet happily, he's known her all of a month, a bit trusting if you ask me!!!! But then when he is with me and she messages or calls, he ignores it and says shit like 'i don't care if i break her heart' wtf!!! please tell me she hasn't already dropped the three words that he still, yes thats right still tells me!! The whole situation is frankly f*cked!!!! Why I'm doing it to myself, I don't know... you tell me!?