life

I guess I have to learn to live with the way things are, whether they make me happy or not, I can't change what others want even if it isn't me. I can try to follow my heart and make things better but what for, when by now he has had plenty of time to come back to me. He is just playing games now, he is just seeing how far he can push me and for how long.

Time to let it be, take each day as if comes and relax. Enjoy life for what it is and not what it isn't or what it could of been.

Life is what you make it, its time I made mine a happier place to live...

giggled to myself..

I think that the way life goes it rather funny. You can either sit back and analyse things, like I usually do but for some reason today I decided to sit back, look at the bigger picture and have a quiet giggle to myself. I have a rather good life and yes there are things I could do to make it better but that would mean going through some pain first (meaning ditch my ex for good instead of letting him use me as a security blanket) but I like having him around, he isn't just my ex boyfriend, he was also my best friend for the past six years, so why should I let that go just because we aren't together anymore..? I mean this thing him and I have going at the moment, it won't last but shouldn't I just enjoy it while I can?

I think its time to let loose a little bit, try and I mean TRY not to over analyse situations. If he wants to see me or talk to me, let it be.. don't read into it because all it does is mess with my head, not his, mine!!!

Anyway my point is, life is fairly good, I have a pretty supportive family and although they may disagree with a lot of my choices they are still there. I have a few good friends and although I don't have many, the ones I do have, I know they are there for me if I need them. I have a pretty good job, I am furthering my education. Things could be worse..

I laughed today because I saw a picture of my ex's new girlfriend and yes I had seen a picture before but I was angry then, now I'm not (sure deep down I am but not on the surface) I laughed because I know I'm nothing special but my god did my ex lower his standards with this one. For someone who can be very vein he isn't with his new girlfriend. At least it all sort of makes sense now when he sees me he can't keep his hands off me.

Just makes you feel a little bit better... you know to laugh at someone else's mistakes for a change!?

confusion..

How does any of this make sense?
You have a new girlfriend and yeah it hurts me like crazy to know that you are with someone else. That you were so easily capable of throwing away six years together within a matter of weeks. I know she is just a rebound and I know she doesn't mean much to you, because if she did.. you wouldn't be contacting me almost daily, just to chat about whatever. You wouldn't see me behind her back. I know that I know you better than anyone else, I understand you in a way that no one else does and maybe no one else ever could. Is that why you keep me around, for your own benefit? Because you know that I'll be there for you, anytime of the day?

I really don't understand... we were in love and you threw it all away. But why are you keeping me around?
I guess maybe if there wasn't someone else I wouldn't be so confused but there is.. so what's the point of all this?

some insight to me...

Why does life seem to always throw things at me at the worst possible times?
It happened all at once, first my best friend, then the love of my life and then my job, it was literally like watching dominoes fall...

I had a big fight with my best friend and I then realised she wasn't who I thought she was, I mean I always knew she was selfish but that was her, I dealt with it but after this fight, after trying to hard to stay in contact after she moved away, it all blew up in my face and now I am a better person without the constant worry of her.


My boyfriend of six years, we lived together and everything, tells me he doesn't know what he wants anymore, so I live the next few weeks of my life feeling like I am walking on egg shells and then things start to finally come good.. then slap across the face he breaks up with me and tells me to leave..


Then there's my job, yeah I still have it but I was coping all kinds of crap because I was down and out. I tried to take time off work yet they said they needed me and I explained that I wasn't in a good state of mind but I will try and get through each day..


I am just sick of people expecting the world from me, I am one person and I am not perfect but I try so hard to be for everyone in my life.. So why is it so god damn hard? WHY?